of friends and family

These past few months have had a lot in store for me. There have been many life changes and I have embraced them as they came. The divorce was painful, as any separation can be, but liveable. I am thankful I got to keep the kids with me and the house that we have all come to call home. It is not a mansion, just a small house that welcomes our friends and family at any time of the day and night. There are a few windows that need to be fixed, the yard needs work, leaves are piling up outside and the wood floors need to be redone. But it's home to the kids and I, and that is what matters.

I am thankful for a job that is not stressful, an office of my own and control over my schedule. I think that, considering everything, God knew I was going to need that when trouble at home hit. All I can say is that although I did like working at the hospital, I don't know if I could have handled that schedule along with all the crap I had to go through these past few months. Having a private office to retreat to was a true blessing. And then having proper breaks and holidays was a bonus. It is worth the one hour commute to get to work. I have taken to listening to audiobooks on the way to work and back home. Two hours a day for four days a week makes for some good progress on audio books. So far I have listened to Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, the Chamber of Secrets, The Prisoner of Azkaban, The Order of the Phoenix and the Half-Blood Prince. I am missing the Goblet of Fire. When I went to check it out at the library, one of the discs was missing and so it has been unavailable since then. I will attempt again to download it from their online audiobooks. I hated skipping a book, but that is how it goes sometimes.

Of the better things that have happened this month, I am thankful and happy for my friends who have been there to listen to me and support me in these difficult times. They are more precious to me than words can say. I am also thankful that I have finally finished my master's in health sciences, it is done and paid for!!! What a relief. I also had the honor of starting this journey and finishing it with my friend Amber who currently teaches in the radiology program at ASU. It was worth all the time and money invested. I love teaching college, and I could not have asked for anything better at this point in my life.

Have a blessed and merry Christmas!  

Single again...

It has been four days now since my divorce was final and my now ex-husband has moved to Virginia to rejoin his 'soul mate'. I never wanted any of this. For 18 years I tried to do right, but I did make plenty of mistakes. Well, we both did, mine were just more 'in your face' because that is the type of personality I have. He did not leave mad, he just left. He did come to understand my situation and my actions, but he had already made his mind to rejoin her and he is very stubborn. So off he went. Leaving the kids behind too. Really, he left everything to go to her. And of all the things that happened, him leaving the kids is the one I understand the least. I simply could not do it. His reasoning is that they are nearly grown, except for the 12 year old (Emily). They do have busy lives and, when he lived with us, he never made a big effort to be part of their activities. He never scheduled any time off of work to be there for birthdays, games, plays and concerts. Now, if he was not working, he would be there. He just always seemed to simply live in the house with us. And so, the kids have grown up accustomed to this behavior and this translated in his thinking that they do not need him anyway and they will not miss him. But they do need his presence in their lives and they will miss him. 
It is a very odd feeling to be single again after nearly 20 years of being with him. It is not bad, it is just unfamiliar. One thing that I do not understand yet, is why I felt relieved when he left us to go see her back in September. I should have been mad and hurt, but yet I was relieved. It was one of those really very physical sensations, like after a heavy week of very hard final exams is finally over with. Of course, before he left, I had been crying for days and was upset to the point of being physically ill. Maybe I was relieved that I would not have to face him for a while, that I could have a measure of peace for some time. Or maybe it is much deeper than that. Maybe, it comes from the fact that we were never really united as one like we should have been . He recognized this and voiced it in the first days after receiving her card. And I must admit that he was right. I just always thought that it was something that we could work on. So then, maybe the relief was from the fact that I did not have to make all those many efforts to make our relationship work anymore. I had been praying for God to guide me in what I should do to make our marriage better. I firmly believe in His power and abide by Philippians 4:6-7, "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." As God often does in my life, his answers to my prayers tend to do two things: showcase his power and providence and surprise me. So when I think back to the many prayers that I spoke in the weeks before that day in September when he left, I wonder what He has planned for me because this was really not how I saw this situation work out.